stormy--'s Diaryland Diary

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The Day I learned Joe is a rat bastard

It’s hard to believe that just two weeks ago I told Joe I loved him and now we’re not together any more.

It almost feels like I’m dreaming. Having a nightmare. Only it’s a nightmare I can’t wake up from. Everything is crazy and nothing makes sense. How the hell did I get here?

I was at the gas station at the edge of town that day, standing next to the pump and waiting for it to automatically click off. I looked over and saw one of Joe’s friends pull in. It was the one that once bought me an M&M blizzard when I was upset after being followed. When he looked over I smiled and waved but he looked quickly away. I really didn’t think anything of it. I just thought that he was preoccupied or had something he had to do. But then, when I pulled into my driveway, he pulled in behind me.

Joe took pictures of me. Very explicit pictures. I didn’t know he took them because I was asleep. And then he shared them with his friends.

It was a humiliating conversation out there on my driveway. It turned horrifying when he showed me the proof on his phone. Apparently, Joe always took pictures like that of his girlfriends. The difference being that all of them knew they were being photographed. He didn’t know if they knew Joe was sharing them though. And he said that Joe always did this right before he broke up with them. Then he said that he felt like he had to tell me all of this because I was nice and didn’t deserve to be treated this way.

That night I confronted Joe. Instead of denying it - which he couldn’t do because I had proof - he got angry and demanded to know who I was talking to. Eventually he admitted it. He said that he wouldn’t have had to take the pictures in secret if I wasn’t such a prude and then said I was making a big deal out of nothing. Really? He took pictures of me during a very vulnerable and private moment and actually had the gall to say I was making a big deal out of nothing. I mean, what?!

I asked him how many more pictures he was going to take of me before he broke up with me. He didn’t deny that either. Instead he said that I was pushing him for more in our relationship than what he was ready for and he was starting to feel suffocated. Again, what??!! He was the one that took the initiative and wanted us to spend all of our spare time together when we first got together. He was the one rushing us off into bed. He was the one who kept telling me that I could trust him and I could confide in him. He wanted me to text him during the day and while he was working because he said he liked knowing I was thinking about him. Even though I didn’t want to do it, I Skyped with his parents on Thanksgiving because he insisted that I meet them. He told me he loved me twice before I ever said those words back to him. And yet I was the one asking for too much in our relationship? How does that make any sense at all?

You know, several times my sister told me that while Joe seemed great she thought we were moving way too fast. I kind of had that feeling too. But, stupid me, I just went along with everything. Because it was great. There were no red flags. We never argued or sniped at each other. Everything just seemed perfect. Maybe the fact that there were no red flags should have been the biggest red flag of all.

I feel disgusting and sick to my stomach knowing there are pictures out there of me. Very personal pictures being looked at and shared by who knows how many people. And I trusted him. I let him into my life and shared my body with him and yet I didn’t know him at all. It’s like he’s a stranger. And I was just a game to him. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that three days after I told him I loved him he sent those pictures to his friends. It seems like that was what his goal was. He wanted me to fall in love with him so he could turn around and break my heart. And if that wasn’t bad enough, he needed to humiliate me in the process.

I spent Christmas (and basically every day since I found out) in human burrito form. My sister wanted to take a road trip, drive over, and stay with me for a while, but I vetoed that idea. Besides the fact that I just want to be left alone for the time being, my sister is pissed. PISSED. The kind of pissed where someone shows up swinging a baseball bat. I just can't handle that right now. She didn’t like it when I told her to stay home. But she did say she was going to ask one of the lawyers she works with if there is anything that could be done. I asked her not to but I’m not sure she won’t. I know nothing can be done. And I just want it to all go away. I just want to forget. I really wish I had a time machine so I could go back in time and tell past me - “NO! Stay far away from him!” Maybe even tackle myself when I reached for that stupid blackberry muffin I was allergic to.

3:25 p.m. - 2020-12-30

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